If you’re reading this, you probably agree that finishing at the top of your fantasy football league is unbridled joy and fulfillment, a just reward for an entire season of roster management and a bit of good fortune. The payoff, ranging from bragging rights to cold hard cash, to highly creative prizes, is the goal of everyone who plays.
However, as we all know, for every first place team there must be a last place team. And it’s not uncommon for leagues to “reward” the last place team with a high draft pick the following year. That being said, many leagues are not that kind. In fact, many leagues go to drastic measures to punish those who finish in last. Here’s a look at the top 10 punishments for losing the Toilet Bowl.
Top 10 Last Place Punishments
10) Last Place Picks up the Tab
You could have the team that finishes in last place buy the beer for your draft. If it’s mostly a dry league, then last year’s loser would be responsible for providing snacks and sodas or water. While this is far from extreme, it’s an easy way to add some stakes without going too far. Obviously, this only works if your league actually meets in person yearly for the draft. If not, then…
9) Last Place Donates to Charity
Look, nowhere in the heading of this article does it say “worst” punishments. There’s nothing wrong with zigging while others zag and forcing last place to redeem him or herself with a little charity. It’s probably a consequence that no one in your league would object to, and there’s something satisfying and classy about ending your fantasy football season with a truly good deed.
8) Running a 5k in costume
— Ryan Geier (@rwg5) August 18, 2017
Any type of grueling physical exercise, really, constitutes an excellent last place finish. It’s a fine form of tough love, and one that could ultimately prove to be a life-changing (and affirming) experience. I’ve yet to read a “How Finishing in Last Place of My Fantasy Football League Saved My Life” op-ed, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen–especially with a consequence like this. Granted, the true “punishment” comes in the form of costumed humiliation, and “Rowdy Raccoon” is a pretty lame one. Thus, you’ll have to come up with a better costume. And whatever you do, do not choose San Francisco’s “Bay to Breakers” marathon as your destination.
7) Recreate a terrible music video
This one could be #1 depending on which video you choose. If you really want to up the stakes, choose this one:
It’s arguably the worst music video ever made, and watching your league mate re-enact this would be comedic gold. Pro tip: send this video to everyone before the draft and make the stipulation then. Barring a theater major amongst you, I can all but guarantee you will end up with a full complement of engaged and active owners!
6) Make him/her take the ACTs
— V.M. Varga (@SwanlynnTaze) June 10, 2017
Forcing the last-place finisher to take the ACTs, or even SATs, on a Saturday with a bunch of teenagers, then making it mandatory that the scores be shared. It’s not the worst punishment, but it’s a terrible waste of a Saturday. For added humiliation, require the loser to attend the session with a shirt that says, “I’m here because I suck at fantasy football.”
5) Open Mic Night
It’s simple. Find your local comedy club. Ask when open mic night happens to be, and book the loser for a five-minute set. What could possibly go wrong?
Comedy Club and open mic night?! Bring your cameras! Let's do this!
— Lui Calibre (@LuiCalibre) April 5, 2017
4) The Last Place License Plate Frame
Unlike some of the ideas above, this one is the gift that keeps on giving. It’s so popular, it’s even got a sponsor (see below:). The key, however, is to insist the loser keep the plate frame until the following season.
— Buffalo Wild Wings (@BWWings) August 14, 2016
3) Double Dues
You may have trouble getting everyone to agree on this, but requiring the last place finisher to pay league dues twice, with the money split evenly amongst the other teams as a “bonus” for not finishing in last is a way to make the punishment hit where it actually counts – the wallet. This works especially well for higher stakes leagues where the dues are $100 or more.
2) Last Place Calendar
This one has been done before, and done well! Essentially, the last place team has to pay for the league to create a disgraceful calendar using the most ridiculous or embarrassing photos. If you really want to take this to the extreme, you could follow in the footsteps of one guy who re-created ESPN Magazine’s Body Issue.
1) The Tattoo
You knew this was coming. The permanence of this is terrifying. Very few leagues would ever agree to this, and it takes a special kind of crazy to sanction this in the first place. However, there’s no denying that forever inking your abysmal showing at fantasy football on your body in some representative way will always be the most extreme, and flat out unnecessary way to commemorate utter futility.
What are your favorite last place consequences? Share them in the comments below.